Facing Regrets--Finding Peace With The Past

I awakened this morning with a memory from a long time ago floating around in my head. It was Winter of 2006. My cousin, Chad and his fiancee were getting married and had asked me to do a reading at their wedding. I had only just the month before lost the man that I was totally in love with, when I found out that he had been dating someone else our entire relationship and was now living with her. Crushed as I was inside-I still wanted to be part of Chad's beautiful wedding and to be there for him and his soon to be wife. My sister and I hitched a ride down to Georgia with our aunt and uncle where we stayed beachfront on Jekyll Island.

I remember feeling a storm of emotions as I stood on the coast and watched the waves crashing against the shore. I felt as small as a grain of sand and as dumb as a pebble that just floated along whichever direction the current swept it--never thinking for myself--always ignorant that someone else's motives may have been deceptive. For me, those waves symbolized words...promises to protect my heart...the assurance of love...and I had been swept to and fro happily in those currents until the day came when I was tossed up onto the sand and abandoned. I was cast away onto the scorching sands of midday and left there-alone in my brokenness as the coldness of night approached. And that was my fate as I stood there, broken hearted staring out onto the moonlit ocean.

The wedding rehearsal came and I took my first few steps into the cathedral. I remember my heart pounding in my chest as some part of me awaited the striking of a brilliant blue lightning bolt that would tear through the top of the church and surely strike me dead. It had been so long since I had been inside a church and I was sure that my sins were so great that God would take no hesitation to snuff me out as soon as He saw me drag myself across the threshold of His house. The priest came down and shook my hand and introduced himself to me beneath the white carpeted stairway. My hand trembled as he took it in his own and I wondered if he could feel my fears as they coursed outwardly from my soul and flooded violently into my body. If he did, it wasn't apparent from his disposition and soon that moment passed and I settled in to watch the procession from a bench in the front of the church.

Soon, it was my time to ascend the staircase and receive my instructions for the reading that I was going to be giving. As I read over the words that I was to read aloud the next day--it took all of the strength in my body to stand and every ounce of resolve within me to hold back the flood of hot tears that threatened to escape at any moment. I had to read what God says about Love. Love is patient, love is kind....the words all blurred into a painful epiphony as I realized that all of the things that God says that love is....I had never known for myself. As I looked across the room at Chad and Ashley, I realized that the energy of the words I was contemplating in my mind were evident in the way that they looked at each other. I wondered if I would ever know that kind of love for myself.

In those moments that passed I regretted having allowed words and empty promises to sweep me away into a lie so many times in my life. I regretted having given myself over to the untruths and deceptions of those who used those lies in order to lure me into their lives. I regretted that I hadn't allowed God's definition of love to transcend into my definition of the same.

The next day as I slid into my four inch heels and started out to the car, I realized that I would have to at some point begin to resolve within myself all of the regrets and somehow find peace with my past if I ever wanted to be free from the sadness that now accompanied me everywhere. As I climbed the stairs up onto the stage I promised myself to leave behind all of my self-hatred and the regrets. I began to read the words from the bible that had tore into me like a hot knife the night before and for a split second I wondered if the storm of emotion would return, but it didn't. As I looked out upon the hundred or more guests in the cathedral I confessed God's definition of Love and from an unburdened heart I blessed Chad & Ashley's union that day as I received a blessing of my own.

Many things have come to pass in my life since that day that have caused my heart to break, but never once have I mistaken what love is. I have loved people who have given me pain for gold. I have loved those who have stolen parts of myself that I have held sacred and I have given kindness out of a heart that has been abandoned, cursed, shattered and eventually iced over. For a time, I couldn't receive love-but never has there been a time that I couldn't give love and for that I am thankful. Because in my life, I have learned how to live out God's definition of Love regardless of how those I have loved have defined it. And that has made all the difference.

Moving Forward & Letting Go

“I will not lie down with a breaking heart lost in the throes of human regret. I will not surrender to the fear of being alone. I refuse to waste the present chasing after a shadowy mirage of happiness that may have existed someplace in my past. All I have-all any of us has is today. Life does not move in reverse. Nothing worth keeping could possibly have been left behind if it was for my good anyway, so I choose to allow every good opportunity free access to my life. I choose to accept and embrace every blessing that God rains down upon me with an uplifted heart, recognizing that His dreams for me are much bigger and better than any I could imagine for myself. “


So many times in life we are reminded of past failures and shortcomings in life that have come with a high cost. It is easy to fall into the self-resentment rut, but that is exactly what the enemy wants us to do. That’s why he reminds us so fervently about the things that have hurt us the most. He wants us to harbor hatred toward ourselves because if we are caught up in self-loathing, God’s light cannot shine through us. Today is the day to lay down those heavy burdens that tether you to the past. Understand that you have taken with you the living part of the experience, which is knowledge-but the pain was never meant to be held onto. Decide that today is the day that you are going to close that door and seal it, walking away a free person. Let go of the fear and pain and live in the now-where life is in constant evolution and opportunities exist to propel you into your highest potential.

Living Through Loss and Regret

Living Through Loss and Regret

“When my dad committed suicide in 2004 I felt as though the pain would rip me apart. Every day was an uphill struggle. I felt such guilt and such pain for what he must have been going through that night. It happened shortly after Father's Day and that was the ONE year that I didn't visit him. I kept feeling that if I would have shown up then he would have known he was loved and it would have stopped him. The thing that got me through it was coming to the understanding that no matter how much I loved him or if I would have been there on that Father's Day expressing that love to him--he was in a place in himself that would not allow him to recognize that love. I began to trust that God knew my dad's heart and his final hours and even though it is such a tragedy, I have faith that God was with him and understood his pain in ways that we as his children could never have comprehended. I believe that my dad is in Heaven-and I believe that because I know that God is merciful and that he loves my dad more than anybody here on earth ever could have.” -Betty Humphrey

Everyone has experienced a loss of someone they love whether it is by the death of a relationship or the death of an individual. We process loss by reflecting it inward and convicting ourselves of somehow bringing about that loss. Grief is a natural process and there are varying stages but at the end of that period of processing, we have to be willing to let the experience go. This doesn’t mean that we don’t still miss our loved one-it just means that we let go of the idea that we could have done anything differently at that time.

I am a firm believer in this and I have said so many times in my work-people do not consciously make bad decisions. Everyone always does the very best they can in every situation with the information that they have available to them at that time. It doesn’t do any good to live a backwards life where you are always focused on things you could have done differently. If you could have done something differently at that time then you would have-end of story.

All of our actions are not perfect, of course because we are imperfect beings. Our only claim to perfection is the light of our creator when it shines out from our hearts and illuminates the faces of the people in our lives. Living in the past doesn’t allow you to reflect God’s perfect love in your life and no matter how much time you spend looking backwards, nothing about the past can ever be changed. This is a trick of the enemy that is designed to keep you in guilt and cloak you in the darkness of regret.

When you feel convicted for something you have done or said that you know wasn’t right, confess it to God and ask Him to free you from it. He will show you the way out of that dark place. Leave your guilt with Him. He is the Light of transformation that will lead you into the places where His light can shine upon the faces of the children He so dearly loves-and He will shine that light through YOU.